When it's too much

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Omg... I don't know what I am doing... I've lost my momentum. I don't know what the next step is. I also don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I know all this is normal and I am trying to feel all of it and observe all of me while I feel all of it.

I feel this way and then I feel the complete opposite. This month feels crazy. I am glad it is over. What a month. Apart from taking a break here, closing Introvertlybubbly Creative for the month, at work, where I practice Engineering we the employees some 8000 of us are being made to  "Full Exit" as the Refinery where we work is being closed. Read about how I am processing (not-processing) that here.

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So the break on here, the Creative, was so that I can spend time away, focusing on something else creatively. So I spent it taking a break from journalling on here for the month. Did you even notice my absence? I instead wrote in a note book I've been using for writing every am. Well to be honest my aim was to write every am some days I made it, some days I failed and some days I wrote during the day or afternoon when I was ableto make time. I felt myself being everything but gentle with myself when I missed writing in the am, a guilty feeling because I'd have missed my goal. Thing is with this thinking is that it isn't building. So I practiced being gentle and allowing myself the time to ease into it making it part of my morning routine. 

There is this grace period you need to give yourself with any new habit you're trying to form.


For me it was a habit that I'd read about more than a year ago in the Artist's Way called morning pages and I felt and still feel like it is something that would help me clear my mind each day. I think alot. I am always in my head so I wanted to give it a go. What happened was interesting. I am unsure yet that I was able to achieve a clear mind or anything close to using that as a tool but I developed a fondness with coming with my pen to the paper within my book to write. I missed it when I didn't. 


Last month was also the month that I've had to start adjusting to a new mindset.

Last month my coworker died. Suddenly. I was in his reporting line and he messaged me saying that he was not feeling well and would not be in work for the day. That is normal, to received such messages, they would be conveyed to the clerk and recorded. I went to work and worked as per usual. Some fours hours later I hearing that he died. I feel like I told you this but I didn't, I did write it while journalling so it I guess is only fitting to think I did. 




On the verge of being on the breadline working for the only Refinery in the country and being affected by a decision made by my Company's board and our Government I am here going through the paces of all that goes along with dealing with grief and retrenchment. Mourning my own personal loss and now the loss of my coworker. My Beloved company which I have so much yet to learn, so much yet to contribute to, so much yet to see is closing. Shutting down. Literally. The Refinery will be closed. We were informed via an email, bluntly, brutally, three minuted to close of business on Tuesday 28th August 2018.


What a month, I did miss this place I come to, this home for my photography and creative endevours. Strangely I usually use it like an encyclopedia where I am able to search and pull up past work, when it is close I couldn't do that I realized that frustrated me. That probably was the most noticeable thing to me having closed Introvertlybubbbly Creative for the month.

It's now September 3rd and, what's getting me by, I have lists.

My lists of things that I have to do, things I have to close off, business and projects I have to settle in the Refinery and any creative work I may have planned. I am not in any huge creative place when it comes to my photography practice but it is contributing in a positive way to my life. I appreciate this and I am thankful for it.

Last month started with what I thought were knowns. But the month came to a close and I am in shock.

This one is starting with so many unknowns.

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I am excited to be back. Here's the my creative journal behind my carmera, for the August. I also made a cinemagraph. 

See my other cinemagraphs here.

This months' highlights:

  1. Living and smiling through. Loss. Grief.

  2. Being open about. Loss. Grief.

  3. Garden Club

  4. Trying a new local product Aviaire Sensual Rose Body Oil And Wild Growth Hair Oil

  5. Watering all the cuttings by the window. Slow. Intentional.

  6. Realising why I tend to gravitate to quaint coffee shops and cafes, and our date at the newly open coffee shop in Woodbrook. It's all about what it inspires in me. And inspires me towards.

  7. Me attending my first march with the OWTU and making a ton of photos while there.